aceofkittens (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
aceofkittens) wrote2002-12-27 02:53 am
aceofkittens) wrote2002-12-27 02:53 am
Entry tags:
- depression,
- dream,
- friendship,
- nye,
- rambling,
- sf,
- sick
It's 3 a.m., I must be lonely
For some unknown reason, I decided to forego the Comtrex and drank a huge diet Coke, so I can't get to sleep and am drowning in my own snot. However, I do feel better than I did last night, so by next year, I should be just peachy.
It being the middle of the night, it's time for some old-fashioned contemplative rambling.
I have a friend who doesn't like to give/receive presents to/from friends. They just never got into that with his friends, apparently. On Zargon XV where he's from. (I know you're reading, alien freak, and you're still getting one, though you don't deserve it!) On the one hand, this seems odd to me, as we always gave gifts in my group of friends. On the other hand, it saves money and helps avoid those awkward moments when your casual acquaintance gives you a hardback novel by an author you don't like and you sneak down to the bookstore to trade it in for cheap booze and cigarettes.
I haven't done any shopping for presents. My mom's been hounding me about "what I want" for New Years (which is when we exchange gifts, and this is why), and I always say, "Nothing." When your realize (after following the link) that Russians call our Santa "Dead Morose," it won't be so shocking. Will it.
The thing is, though, "Nothing" is what I always say. I feel like I don't really want anything. Ever. All of my desires/wants/needs have been a flatline for so long. I don't want anything. I don't know really what I want. I don't know how to ask for it. I'm so terrified of being rejected about whatever it is, I'll make my request into a joke to cushion that blow of possible rejection. Then, no one takes it seriously.
I have to stop that shiznit.
I really want to be happy. I'm not sure how to accomplish this though. It might involve a lot of change, and I don't like change.
I really want to be able to tell people what I really think/feel, even when it's something I don't think they want to hear.
I really want to own the film, LA Story. Everything it shows about LA is true.
I really want people to call me sometimes when I'm down in LA. It's so lonely there.
I really want a lot of things I can never have, not matter how much I wish things were different. I want to forgive myself for that. For the wanting and the never having.
I think that's enough for now.
I feel sleepy! Can it be time for an installment of "The whales have giant teeth?"
It being the middle of the night, it's time for some old-fashioned contemplative rambling.
I have a friend who doesn't like to give/receive presents to/from friends. They just never got into that with his friends, apparently. On Zargon XV where he's from. (I know you're reading, alien freak, and you're still getting one, though you don't deserve it!) On the one hand, this seems odd to me, as we always gave gifts in my group of friends. On the other hand, it saves money and helps avoid those awkward moments when your casual acquaintance gives you a hardback novel by an author you don't like and you sneak down to the bookstore to trade it in for cheap booze and cigarettes.
I haven't done any shopping for presents. My mom's been hounding me about "what I want" for New Years (which is when we exchange gifts, and this is why), and I always say, "Nothing." When your realize (after following the link) that Russians call our Santa "Dead Morose," it won't be so shocking. Will it.
The thing is, though, "Nothing" is what I always say. I feel like I don't really want anything. Ever. All of my desires/wants/needs have been a flatline for so long. I don't want anything. I don't know really what I want. I don't know how to ask for it. I'm so terrified of being rejected about whatever it is, I'll make my request into a joke to cushion that blow of possible rejection. Then, no one takes it seriously.
I have to stop that shiznit.
I think that's enough for now.
I feel sleepy! Can it be time for an installment of "The whales have giant teeth?"
no subject
When I hear the ringing, I go out of my head!
The weird thing is that I actually reached a point as I was circling the metaphysical drain when no one was calling, but I didn't want to talk to anyone anyway. Apparently, this is known as "depression" in some circles. Go figure! :)
Ah rarh roo too! :)
preeeeznts!
You are hideously hard to shop for - odd for someone who always seems to give the coolest gifts. Damn you :)
I think your words made me think a lot... I related it all to myself (because, naturally, everything relates to me) and how, for example, I hate the concept of feeling people have to get me things but I also hate not getting what I want. So I end up terribly conflicted about the whole season. And that's not even mentioning birthdays. (*shudder*)
I should get into the habit of calling you more. And Le Frique, you should call me too! ;)
-sml
Re: preeeeznts!
I remember our "hey"day of phone calls. Those were truly the days! :) Maybe I'll get better about phone calls in the new year. I'll have to get over this whole "not wanting to see or talk to anyone" problem I'm having right now.
The trick to shopping for me is knowing that if I love you, I won't care too much what you're giving me. I'll be so excited and happy that I'm getting anything! It can be a dried out balloon or something (filled with cocaine). The only exception to this is earrings. I can't stand it when people give me earrings, because my ears aren't pierced and it means they're not paying attention. :)
Re: preeeeznts!
Woo! Earrings it is! I'm set for life now. RAD.
-sml