It's 3 a.m., I must be lonely

[aceofkittens]

For some unknown reason, I decided to forego the Comtrex and drank a huge diet Coke, so I can't get to sleep and am drowning in my own snot. However, I do feel better than I did last night, so by next year, I should be just peachy.

It being the middle of the night, it's time for some old-fashioned contemplative rambling.

I have a friend who doesn't like to give/receive presents to/from friends. They just never got into that with his friends, apparently. On Zargon XV where he's from. (I know you're reading, alien freak, and you're still getting one, though you don't deserve it!) On the one hand, this seems odd to me, as we always gave gifts in my group of friends. On the other hand, it saves money and helps avoid those awkward moments when your casual acquaintance gives you a hardback novel by an author you don't like and you sneak down to the bookstore to trade it in for cheap booze and cigarettes.

I haven't done any shopping for presents. My mom's been hounding me about "what I want" for New Years (which is when we exchange gifts, and this is why), and I always say, "Nothing." When your realize (after following the link) that Russians call our Santa "Dead Morose," it won't be so shocking. Will it.

The thing is, though, "Nothing" is what I always say. I feel like I don't really want anything. Ever. All of my desires/wants/needs have been a flatline for so long. I don't want anything. I don't know really what I want. I don't know how to ask for it. I'm so terrified of being rejected about whatever it is, I'll make my request into a joke to cushion that blow of possible rejection. Then, no one takes it seriously.

I have to stop that shiznit.

I really want to be happy. I'm not sure how to accomplish this though. It might involve a lot of change, and I don't like change.

I really want to be able to tell people what I really think/feel, even when it's something I don't think they want to hear.

I really want to own the film, LA Story. Everything it shows about LA is true.

I really want people to call me sometimes when I'm down in LA. It's so lonely there.

I really want a lot of things I can never have, not matter how much I wish things were different. I want to forgive myself for that. For the wanting and the never having.

I think that's enough for now.


I feel sleepy! Can it be time for an installment of "The whales have giant teeth?"

Comments

When I hear the ringing, I go out of my head!

[aceofkittens.livejournal.com]

I might just have to go to that! Frou Frou Tea Party sounds good to me! :) And ginger cookies: yay!!

The weird thing is that I actually reached a point as I was circling the metaphysical drain when no one was calling, but I didn't want to talk to anyone anyway. Apparently, this is known as "depression" in some circles. Go figure! :)

Ah rarh roo too! :)